Hamlet For Morons
by Jamie August
Summary: It's Hamlet like Shakespeare never imagined! I'm sure to be struck down by a lightningbolt. FINALLY UPDATED! The actors are here and the play's the thing! Be very afraid. . .
1. ACT 1, SCENE 1

TITLE: Hamlet For Morons (The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

AUTHOR: Jamie August 

RATING: PG (some naughty language) 

DISCLAIMER: Obviously "Hamlet" belongs to Shakespeare, not me. All of the pop culture references I make throughout the course of this thing (I've lost count of them all) belong to their respective owners, not me. 

A/N: I started my first version of this about three years ago, and never got past Act 1 Scene 3. It got lost somewhere in the shuffle when I moved to the apartment I now live in, so I had to start over. Since then, both Sicily and Cherry Blossom (and possibly others, those are just the two I know about) have posted their versions of Hamlet. But whereas theirs are both condensed versions, mine is full-length, so that makes it a bit different. Besides, I think there's enough room online for many different takes on the same subject. I suggest you read both their versions, too. They're very funny. As for all of the pop culture references so prevalent in this one, you'll find repeated mentions of Harry Potter and Wishmaster. *shrug* My apologies, and don't ask! LOL 

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HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT I, SCENE I 

{Enter Bernardo and Francisco, two palace sentinels} 

BERNARDO: Hark! Who the hell goes there? 

FRANCISCO: What? Who the hell's there? 

BERNARDO: Oh! Right! The secret password! Uh . . . {clears throat} Polly-wolly-snickerdoodle! 

FRANCISCO: Is that you, Bernardo? 

BERNARDO: Who the hell else would it be, you idiot? 

FRANCISCO: Listen, genius, did anyone ever tell you what a lousy idea it is to sneak up on a guy in the dark? Especially a guy with a sword? 

BERNARDO: Whatever. Your shift is over. Go get some beauty sleep. God knows you could use it. 

FRANCISCO: Yeah, you ain't exactly Brad Pitt, yourself. But thanks for showing up. I've been freezing my ass off out here. 

BERNARDO: Sweet dreams, pooky. 

FRANCISCO: What did you call me?! 

BERNARDO: Uh, nothing! Nothing at all! Hey, if you see those lazy bums Horatio and Marcellus, tell them to get their butts over here. I swear, just because he's the prince's best friend, Horatio thinks he can show up late for work and then just sit around making shadow puppets when he is here! I get here three seconds late, I hear "Off with his head!" 

{Enter Horatio and Marcellus} 

HORATIO: I'm here, I'm here! 

FRANCISCO: Huh?! Who's that? Who's there? I have a sword and I'm not afraid to use it, you know! 

BERNARDO: Oh crap, here we go again. 

HORATIO: It's me, you moron! Horatio! 

FRANCISCO: What's the password? 

HORATIO: I'm gonna tell Hamlet what a pain in the ass you're being. 

FRANCISCO: Oh. Okay, close enough. 'Night, guys. 

MARCELLUS: Whoa! Abandoning your post? I knew the king never should have hired a mall security guard. 

FRANCISCO: My shift is over, stupid. Bernardo's on duty now. Adios, suckers! {exit} 

MARCELLUS: What a rude little son-of-a . . . Bernardo! How's it goin', buddy? 

BERNARDO: Absolutely fantastic. Then again, I just got here. 

HORATIO: Have ya seen the ghost yet? 

BERNARDO: No, but like I said, I've only been here for THREE FRICKIN' MINUTES! 

MARCELLUS: Horatio doesn't believe we saw a ghost. He says it's just swamp gas, or light refracting off Venus, or something. I hope the ghost shows up tonight so we can say, "Told ya so, told ya so!" 

HORATIO: There's no such thing as ghosts. But I did see the Tooth Fairy once. 

BERNARDO: Oh, yeah? Well we saw the ghost, really-really-really we did! 

HORATIO: Sure you did. You know, when you polish your sword, you really should open a window to let the fumes out. Fine, tell me all about this 'ghost' you saw. 

BERNARDO: Okay, well, around one o'clock last night, me and Marcellus were sitting around drinking - I mean, uh, standing guard and performing our guarding duties and stuff, yeah, that's it! - and we saw this ghost - 

HORATIO: You mean like that one there? {points behind Bernardo} 

BERNARDO: Eek! Where, where?! {whirls around and sees nothing behind him. Turns back around and points behind Horatio.} Uh, no, more like that one there. 

HORATIO: Yeah, right, like I'm gonna fall for that. 

MARCELLUS: Uh, no, seriously dude, turn around. 

HORATIO: {turns around and sees ghost behind him} Holy powdered doughnuts, Batman! 

BERNARDO: Is it just me, or does that ghost remind you of someone? 

MARCELLUS: Casper? 

BERNARDO: No, that's not it. 

HORATIO: Moaning Myrtle? 

BERNARDO: No . . . 

MARCELLUS: The ghost of Christmas Past? 

HORATIO: The ghost of Christmas Future? 

MARCELLUS: Michael Jackson? 

HORATIO: Those guys from the "Matrix Reloaded"? 

BERNARDO: No, no, no! Wait, I've got it! The dead King! 

MARCELLUS & HORATIO: Oh, yeah, uh-huh, now that you mention it . . . 

MARCELLUS: Hey, Horatio, you're like a smarty-pants kind of guy, why don't you try to talk to it? 

BERNARDO: Doesn't it look like the dead king, guys? 

HORATIO: Yes, Bernardo, we already established that. Keep up with the story, would you please? 

MARCELLUS: Say something to it or it's gonna leave! 

HORATIO: Tell me again how that would be a bad thing? 

BERNARDO: What, are you scared? 

HORATIO: Oh, fine. {clears his throat and turns to ghost} Speak, you unholy demon spawn! I said speak! Speak, you evil hell-creature! Tell me what you want, you pale, ugly, demonic night-beast! 

MARCELLUS: Um, I think you pissed it off. 

{Ghost leaves.} 

BERNARDO: Yeah, there it goes. 

HORATIO: Thank you for stating the obvious once again, Bernardo. 

MARCELLUS: Given the silent treatment by a ghost. Man, are we losers. 

BERNARDO: Oh, I almost forgot! Hey, Horatio, I told ya so, I told ya so! Ha-ha, told ya so! Believe me now? 

HORATIO: I believe you, but who's gonna believe me? 

BERNARDO: Dude, are you okay? You look kinda sick. 

HORATIO: I have literally had the crap scared out of me. 

BERNARDO: Oh, so that's what that smell is. 

MARCELLUS: Didn't it look just like the king? 

HORATIO: Yes, yes! It looked just like the king! This is getting a bit redundant, don't you think? 

MARCELLUS: Yeah, especially since Bernardo and I have seen it twice before. You'd think by now we would have established that it looks just like the dead king. 

HORATIO: If I hear the words "dead king" one more time . . . 

MARCELLUS: Party-pooper. 

HORATIO: So, the appearance of a ghost can't be good, can it? It's like a bad omen for the country or something, right? 

MARCELLUS: Well, we are in the middle of a land war, aren't we? 

HORATIO: Yeah. You wanna hear all about it, or can you read the newspaper yourself? 

MARCELLUS: No, I like listening to you talk. Tell me a story, Horatio. 

BERNARDO: Oh, brother. Get a room. 

HORATIO: Okay, here goes. This story is called "King Goldilocks and the Two Fortinbrases." Once upon a time, there was a king named Hamlet - 

MARCELLUS: I thought his name was Goldilocks! 

HORATIO: No, Goldilocks was just his Klingon name. 

MARCELLUS: Oh. Okay. 

HORATIO: Anyway, there was this king named Hamlet, and one day this other dude named Fortinbras said to him, "I can beat you up" and King Hamlet said, "Oh, yeah?" and Fortinbras said, "Yeah, and I'm so sure of it, I'll bet all my land on it." To which King Hamlet said, "Well, what the hell do I want with your land? Your land sucks. It isn't good for anything but tractor-pulls and monster truck rallies, and everybody knows only the lowly and uncouth participate in those things." But Fortinbras really wanted to fight, so he says to the king, "Well, your wife is an ugly trollop" and the king says, "Yup, you're right" and Fortinbras says, "And your son is a looney little sissy-boy" and the king says, "Well, you got me there" and then Fortinbras says, "And your horse has bad breath" and the king says, "Hey, now, you can insult me, you can insult my wife and son, but NOBODY talks trash on my horse!" So the king fought Fortinbras and killed him and inherited all of his land. Now, old Fortinbras had a little sissy-boy son of his own, who was just a wee bit upset that the old geezer gave all the land away to his killer. So, this young Fortinbras is sneaking around trying to form an army and take back his father's land. That's why we're on a state of alert and out on guard duty and all that happy-crappy. 

MARCELLUS: {happy sigh} You tell good stories. 

BERNARDO: But what the hell does any of that have to do with the ghost? 

HORATIO: Everybody knows ghosts are harbingers of bloody doom. The country is about to explode into major bloodshed, I just know it. {enter Ghost} Oh, shit, here he comes again! 

BERNARDO: You know, it's probably more afraid of you than you are of it. 

HORATIO: Hey, wait a minute! I caught a ghost! Don't I get three wishes or something? 

BERNARDO: It's not a genie, you imbecile. 

MARCELLUS: Besides, aren't genies evil? I mean, haven't you guys seen "Wishmaster"? 

HORATIO: Okay, for my first wish I want a million dollars! 

BERNARDO: Yeah, that's original. 

MARCELLUS: Dollars? When did we start using dollars in Denmark? 

HORATIO: For my second wish, I want all the beautiful young wenches in the land to fall madly in love with me! 

BERNARDO: But if you have a million dollars, you can have any wench you want. Why waste a wish on it? 

HORATIO: Crap! You're right! I take it back, I take it back! 

MARCELLUS: Seriously, dude, you need to be careful what you wish for. Haven't you ever read "The Monkey's Paw"? 

BERNARDO: And I repeat - ghosts don't grant wishes, you idiots! 

HORATIO: Well, I won't know that unless I try, now will I? Okay, for my second wish, I want to know the future! Yeah, I want a fortune-telling duck named Quackers! 

BERNARDO: A fortune-telling duck? Have you been mixing medications again? 

HORATIO: And - hey, the ghost is leaving again! 

BERNARDO: I don't blame him. 

HORATIO: Stop him! 

MARCELLUS: How? 

HORATIO: Catch him! Stab him! 

MARCELLUS: Um, don't you think that'll just piss him off again? 

HORATIO: Do it! I want my duck! 

MARCELLUS: Okay, okay! {stabs at the ghost} 

BERNARDO: Oh, what the hell. {stabs at ghost} 

HORATIO: Come back here, dammit! I want a million dollars and a fortune-telling duck! {ghost leaves} 

MARCELLUS: Well, that was pointless. Whoever heard of stabbing a ghost? 

BERNARDO: "Stab the ghost! Stab the ghost!" Great plan, Einstein. 

HORATIO: Like you had a better idea? Damn, I really wanted that duck, too. 

BERNARDO: So I gathered. 

HORATIO: Hey, maybe the ghost will talk to young Hamlet, since he is Hamlet's dead dad and all. We should tell Hamlet about his dad's ghost. 

MARCELLUS: Well, duh, you think so? 

HORATIO: Just don't mention Quackers, okay? 


	2. ACT 1, SCENE 2

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT I, SCENE 2 

{Enter King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Hamlet, and a bunch of royal groupies} 

KING: Okay, so even though my dear, dear brother just died not too long ago, and I miss him terribly, it's time to get over it. That's why I married his wife. We'll, like, comfort each other and stuff. I wanna thank you guys for not making a big deal out of it like SOME people who shall remain nameless. {glares at Hamlet} Now, about that pain in the ass Fortinbras, you all know that he thinks he's so great just because he has god-like powers - wait a minute, no he doesn't! Well, anyway, he thinks we're over here running around like chickens with our heads cut off just because the real king - er, I mean the first - no, wait, I mean the King - well, hell, you know what I mean! - is dead. The little sissy-boy thinks he can take his dead dad's land - which my brother inherited, fair and square! - back, so we're gonna tattle on him to his old, sick, - and probably senile - uncle. Cornelius, Voltemand, take this letter to Fortinbras's uncle, and hurry! Chop-chop! Get a move on! 

CORNELIUS & VOLTEMAND: We're not worthy! We're not worthy! 

KING: Damn right. So, what's up with you, Laertes? You had something you wanted to ask me? Go ahead boy, you know your dad, Polonius, is my favorite minion. I'll be happy to give you whatever you want. Within reason, of course. I mean, I can't give you anything like, oh, I don't know, say like a fortune-telling duck or anything like that . . . So? Laertes? Hello? Anyone home? 

LAERTES: Huh? Oh, is it someone else's turn to talk now? 

KING: What's that supposed to mean? 

LAERTES: Well, you are kind of in love with the sound of your own voice. 

KING: Well, I'm the king, so bite me. What the hell do you want? 

LAERTES: I wanna go back to France. It sucks here. 

KING: Well, if it's okay with your dad, it's okay with me. 

POLONIUS: Are you kidding? I've been trying to get rid of the little brat since he set foot in the front door, but he wouldn't go! He wanted to be the first to break the pinata at your coronation, then he just sat around on the couch eating candy and playing something called "Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell". He's been a royal pain in the ass, without the royal part! 

KING: So, that means . . . ? 

POLONIUS: For the love of cheese, let him go back to France! 

KING: Okie-dokie! Done, and good riddance! Now, Hamlet, my son, old-buddy-old-pal - 

HAMLET: You're not my daddy! I don't even like you! 

KING: What the hell's your problem? 

HAMLET: Gee, I wonder. 

QUEEN: Aw, geez, Hamlet, are you still upset over your dad? Everyone dies. 

HAMLET: Duh. 

QUEEN: So when are you gonna get over it? Everyone else has. 

HAMLET: Yeah, well, I guess I was the only one who really loved Dad, wasn't I? 

KING: Uh, gee Hamlet, it's really sweet that you miss your daddy and all, but you really need to get over it and quit being a little sissy-boy. People are starting to talk, you know. Everybody's lost someone, ya know, so what makes you so special? {sings} There is a season, turn, turn, turn. To everything, turn, turn, turn. 

QUEEN: I'm gonna kill whoever gave him that Karoake machine at our wedding. 

KING: Anyway, I'm your daddy now. Get used to it. So, about you going back to school in Wittenberg, I think I'd rather have you around here where I can keep an eye on you - I mean, er, where I can hug you and pet you and squeeze you and call you George! I would, um, miss you if you went away. Yeah, yeah, because I love you like a son, yeah, that's it! 

QUEEN: Yes, stay here where there's absolutely, positively no chance anything bad will happen to you! 

HAMLET: Fine, whatever. 

KING: Oh, stop, your enthusiasm is overwhelming. 

QUEEN: You know, you can be overwhelmed, and you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed? 

HAMLET: I'm surrounded by idiots. 

KING: Quick, my little sugar mouse, let's get out of here before he changes his mind! 

{exit all but Hamlet} 

HAMLET: I can't believe she married that moron only a month after my wonderful, wonderful, bestest guy in the whole world dad died! Oh, I wish I were dead! I wish, I wish, I wish! Where the hell is that evil genie when you need him?! 

EVIL GENIE: Leave me alone! I'm busy trying to find a fortune-telling duck for that idiot friend of yours. 

HAMLET: Oh. Have you checked the fortune-telling duck store? It's on Diagon Ally. 

EVIL GENIE: Thanks, I'll check. {exits} 

HAMLET: Well, that was weird. {spreads his arms and looks to the heavens} Well, how about you? C'mon, give me your best shot! Throw a lightning-bolt my way! Let's see what ya got! 

{enter Horatio, Marcellus, and Bernardo} 

HORATIO: Oh, crap, he's trying to incur the wrath of God again. 

HAMLET: Eek! Don't sneak up on a guy like that! First that evil genie pops up out of nowhere, then you sneak up on me; it's enough to give a guy a heart attack! Hey, that's not a bad idea. Hey, Horatio, could you go hide behind one of these pillars, then jump out when I walk by, maybe yell "BOO!"? 

HORATIO: Uh, yeah, I'll get right on that. Listen, we've got something to tell you. You might not like it. 

HAMLET: I'm suicidal. I don't really like anything at this point. 

MARCELLUS: Not even whiskers on kittens? 

BERNARDO: Or Sara Lee? Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. 

HAMLET: And people think I'M the crazy one? 

HORATIO: {clears throat} Uh, getting back to what I was about to say, we saw the king last night. 

HAMLET: So? I saw him today. He just left here. With my mom. Bastard. 

HORATIO: No, no! The OTHER king! 

HAMLET: Stephen King? 

HORATIO: No! 

HAMLET: Larry King? 

HORATIO: No! 

HAMLET: Elvis? 

HORATIO: No, no, no! Your father the king! 

HAMLET: Daddy? Where? {grabs Horatio and shakes him} Tell me! Tell me, dammit! 

HORATIO: Okay, okay, geez, did someone forget his Ritalin today? Marcellus and Bernardo here have been seeing your dad for the last couple of nights, so I sat with them last night, expecting to laugh at them. You know, cuz I don't believe in ghosts? Well, boy was I wrong! I mean, there we were, just sitting around, drinking Everclear and eating orange Pixie-Stix, when all of a sudden this ghost shows up, the ghost of your dad! 

HAMLET: Did you talk to it? What did you say? What did it say? 

HORATIO: Uh . . . yeah . . . well . . . I was polite and respectful and everything, but for some reason the ghost didn't want to talk. Pretty rude, if you ask me. 

HAMLET: Huh. Well, how'd he look? 

HORATIO: For a guy who's been in the ground almost two months, not too bad. 

HAMLET: Okay, well, I'll watch with you guys tonight. Cool with you? 

ALL: You're the prince. 

HAMLET: Yes. Yes, I am. {exit all but Hamlet} My father's ghost. This can't be good.   
  



	3. ACT 1, SCENE 3

A/N: Sorry I took so long to get this chapter posted. It was actually finished weeks ago, but I recently started working third-shift, full-time, so I've had a little trouble finding time to get out to the library's computers to post. I guess that's what happens when midnight is your noon. Anyway, don't worry, this sucker WILL get finished and posted, one way or another! ;-) 

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HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT I, SCENE 3 

{enter Laertes and Ophelia, his sister} 

LAERTES: Okay, I'm leaving now! Don't forget to write to me! 

OPHELIA: Yeah, yeah, I'll email you every day. I already told you I would. 

LAERTES: Yeah, well, I thought you might forget, what with you having the hots for Hamlet and all. 

OPHELIA: I do not! 

LAERTES: Ophelia has a boyfriend! Ophelia has a boyfriend! 

OPHELIA: Oh, shut up. 

LAERTES: Not before I impart some brotherly advice to you, okay? Men are pigs. All of us. Every single one of us. Hamlet just wants to get into your bloomers. 

OPHELIA: Really? I never figured him for a cross-dresser. 

LAERTES: Um, yeah, not quite what I meant. Listen, there's no nice way to say this. Hamlet's not really interested in you. He's slumming. And you know that men can get away with being sluts and women can't. 

OPHELIA: Double standards suck. 

LAERTES: Well, yeah, for women. 

OPHELIA: Hey, if you're gonna lay this line of crap on me, then the same applies to you, okay? Don't be a hypocrite. 

{enter Polonius} 

LAERTES: Oh, crap, I was hoping to get out of here before Dad decided to impart more fatherly wisdom. Hi, Dad! Bye, Dad! 

POLONIUS: Are you still here? Oh, well, I might as well impart more fatherly wisdom to you before you go. 

LAERTES: Yay. 

POLONIUS: Um, let's see here . . . If you can't say sumthin nice, don't say nuthin at all . . . Don't be a dick . . . Uh, make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold . . . Don't be a little sissy-boy, but don't be a raging violent barbarian . . . Don't be a show-off, don't be a dick, to thine own self be true - I think I read that somewhere; it's catchy, no? - did I mention, don't be a dick? 

LAERTES: Several times. Can I go now? 

POLONIUS: Not yet. One more thing. Whatever you do, don't push the little red button. Okay, now you can go. 

LAERTES: If you say so. Remember what I said, Ophelia! {exits} 

POLONIUS: What did your brother tell you this time? Is this like the time he told you your doll was possessed by the soul of a dead serial killer and we had to shoot the damn thing through the heart and set fire to it and beat on it with a fireplace poker before we could get any sleep? 

OPHELIA: No, no, no! Nothing like that. It was about Hamlet. 

POLONIUS: Oh, crap. I think I prefer the killer doll. Listen, about Hamlet, people are starting to talk. So, c'mon girlfriend, let's dish. What's up with the two of you? 

OPHELIA: Um, he said I have a purty mouth. 

POLONIUS: Don't believe a word he says! How naive are you? Men are pigs! All of us! I don't want you to have any more alone time with Hamlet! What, you think I want a bunch of little Hamlets running around here? Can you imagine how mentally unbalanced your children would be? You think I wanna wake up some night to find little Hammie Jr. wearing one of your dresses and swinging off the chandelier? 

OPHELIA: Um, no? 

POLONIUS: Damn straight. 

OPHELIA: But he's been a perfect gentleman! 

POLONIUS: Well, yeah, we're ALL perfect gentlemen until we get what we're after! Geez, Ophelia, you oughtta know that by now. There's a double standard at play here - 

OPHELIA: Actually, Laertes already covered most of this. 

POLONIUS: Really? Then what the hell was the point of this conversation? 

OPHELIA: Beats me. 

POLONIUS: Okay, well, just stay away from that little horn-dog Hamlet! 

OPHELIA: Sure, right, whatever. 


	4. ACT 1, SCENE 4

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT I, SCENE IV 

{enter Hamlet, Horatio, and Marcellus} 

HAMLET: Damn, it's cold out here. 

HORATIO: Yeah, well, this ain't Miami Beach, ya know. 

HAMLET: Bite me. What time is it? 

HORATIO: I dunno. Almost midnight? 

MARCELLUS: Nope, it's past midnight. 

HORATIO: No kidding? Well, the ghost should be showing up any time now, huh? 

{a bunch of noise, trumpets and such, from the castle} 

HORATIO: What the hell is all that about? 

HAMLET: Oh, the king is having another drinking contest. 

HORATIO: He does that a lot? 

HAMLET: Yeah. He thinks he's so great, but all the other nations laugh and call us drunks. 

HORATIO: And they won't let you join in any reindeer games? 

HAMLET: I keep finding fliers for the local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous under my horse's saddle. 

{enter Ghost} 

HORATIO: Gh-gh-gh-gho-gho-gho-gho-ghost! 

HAMLET: Holy crap! Daddy! It's you! It's really you! 

{ghost makes "come on" gestures} 

HORATIO: I think it wants you to go with it. 

HAMLET: Gee, did ya figure that one out all by yourself? 

MARCELLUS: Well, you can't go with it, of course. 

HORATIO: No, absolutely not. 

HAMLET: Why not? 

HORATIO: Uh, hello, because it's a ghost? Ghosts are scary and evil and bad? Any of this getting through? 

HAMLET: But it's my dad. I'm gonna talk to it and you can't stop me. 

HORATIO: Oh, yeah? Well there are two of us and only one of you, so I say we CAN stop you. 

MARCELLUS: Uh, yeah. What he said. 

HAMLET: I'm going. 

HORATIO: No, you're not. 

HAMLET: Yes, I am. 

MARCELLUS: No, you're not! 

HAMLET: Yes, I am! Let go of me! I'm gonna go talk to my daddy! Let go, let go! The next person to touch me is gonna get demoted to whipping boy! {exits with Ghost} 

HORATIO: Wow, he's losing it. 

MARCELLUS: We're not just gonna stay here, are we? I mean, um, something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 

HORATIO: Lots of things are rotten in Denmark. Especially meat. We don't have the best refrigeration system in the world. But let it be. 

MARCELLUS: Screw that. Let's go spy on Hamlet. 

HORATIO: Okay!   
  
  
  



	5. ACT 1, SCENE 5

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT I, SCENE V 

{enter Ghost and Hamlet} 

HAMLET: Okay, that's far enough. Tell me what you want. 

GHOST: Pay attention. 

HAMLET: I will, I will! 

GHOST: You better. It's almost time for me to go back to Hell. 

HAMLET: Really? Say, does the devil really have horns and a pitchfork? 

GHOST: What the hell kind of question is that?! I come all this way to talk to you, I put up with your idiot friends shrieking in my face and demanding I grant them three wishes, and all you can say is "Does the devil really have horns and a pitchfork?" What kind of a lousy son are you? 

HAMLET: What're you gonna do, ground me? 

GHOST: Just listen to me, would you? I'm trying to tell you something important here. 

HAMLET: Okay, okay, what is it? 

GHOST: You're not gonna like it. 

HAMLET: Why do people keep telling me that? 

GHOST: Yeah, but this is really gonna piss you off and move you to revenge. At least it better, or you're an even worse son than I thought. 

HAMLET: Well, what is it? 

GHOST: It's something so horrible it'll make your blood run cold! It's terrible, horrible, awful, dastardly, unparalleled in its atrocity! Oh, woe, woe, woe is me! Oh, me, oh my! Ohhh - 

HAMLET: Um, I thought you were in a hurry. 

GHOST: Hey, who's telling this story, me or you? 

HAMLET: Okay, but could you skip to the point? 

GHOST: Fine. I was murdered. See ya. 

HAMLET: Whoa, okay, gonna need a little more info than that. 

GHOST: Someone poured poison in my ear while I was sleeping. And that someone then married my wife and stole my crown. 

HAMLET: Wait a minute. My uncle? 

GHOST: No, the OTHER murderer who ascended to the throne and married my wife! Yes, your uncle! God, pay attention! 

HAMLET: Sorry! You're kinda laying a lot on me all at once, you know! 

GHOST: Well, here's something else. You're adopted. 

HAMLET: I am?! 

GHOST: No, I was just messing with you. Ha-ha! 

HAMLET: That is SO not funny. 

GHOST: Yeah, well, something about being dead warps a person's sense of humor. Now listen up. I want you to avenge my murder. Kill your uncle. I don't want to be a control freak about it or anything, but if you could do it soon and really make him suffer, that would be great. Oh, but leave your mom alone, okay? Now get to it! {exits} 

HAMLET: Wow. Bummer. 

{Enter Horatio and Marcellus} 

HORATIO: Hamlet, oh my god, what was that all about?! 

MARCELLUS: Yeah, you guys got all quiet there at the end and I couldn't hear a thing you said- er, I mean, what news, sir Hamlet? 

HAMLET: Nothing. 

HORATIO: Oh, come on, tell us. 

HAMLET: No way. You guys are blabbermouths. 

MARCELLUS: I can keep a secret! 

HAMLET: No you can't. 

MARCELLUS: Yes, I can! For instance, I didn't tell you about the surprise party we're throwing you for your birthday - whoops. 

HAMLET: Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 

MARCELLUS: Hey, that's my line! 

HORATIO: Oh, well, we pretty much know what's going on, anyway. After all, we're not COMPLETE idiots. 

HAMLET: That's debatable. Just swear you won't tell anyone else about this, okay? 

HORATIO & MARCELLUS: We promise! 

HAMLET: I said SWEAR! 

HORATIO: Um, shit. 

MARCELLUS: Damn. 

HORATIO: Poo-poo head. 

MARCELLUS: Ass monkey. 

HAMLET: No, no, no! Doesn't anyone ever listen to me? Swear on my sword that you'll keep your mouths shut about what you saw, heard, and smelled here tonight. 

GHOST:{voice from below} Swear. Make them swear. 

HAMLET: I am, Dad! Get off my back! 

HORATIO & MARCELLUS: Okay, okay, we swear! 

HAMLET: Good. Now was that so hard? 

GHOST: Swear! 

HAMLET: We did! Leave me alone! 

GHOST: Swear! 

HAMLET: Try to keep up with the chain of events, Dad! We swore! Move on! 

GHOST: Swear! 

HAMLET: ARGH!!!   
  



	6. ACT 2, SCENE 1

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT 2, SCENE 1 

{Enter Polonius with his minion, Reynaldo} 

POLONIUS: Okay, so I want you to go to Paris and give my son this money and these letters. 

REYNALDO: Yes, master. 

POLONIUS: Oh, yeah, and I also want you to track down other Danes in Paris and find out if they know my son, then let them know that you know him indirectly, you know, like "Yeah, I'm the houseboy of his dad, and -" Hey, are you paying attention to me? 

REYNALDO: Yes, master. 

POLONIUS: Okay, just checking. Then I want you to talk trash on him. Nothing too bad, just something like, "Yeah, I heard he's a wild drunk" and stuff like that. The usual things that young men away from home get into, ya know? 

REYNALDO: Like gambling? 

POLONIUS: Right! Or drinking, fighting, spitting, cheating, lying, mixing wine and beer, putting on a tutu and dancing with sweaty, hairy truckers named Buck, laughing at a funeral, wearing white after Labor Day, or whatever else you can think of. 

REYNALDO: Um, won't that, like, dishonor him or something? 

POLONIUS: Well not if you spin it right! If you wink and pop a Mentos in your mouth, people will laugh and nod in a "boys will be boys" kind of way. 

REYNALDO: Let me get this straight. You want me to go to Paris and spread rumors about your son? 

POLONIUS: Yup. 

REYNALDO: Uh, why? 

POLONIUS: Because I want to know what he's up to. 

REYNALDO: Ever heard of the AT&T Friends and Family Plan? 

POLONIUS: No, listen, this is brilliant! If you say to people, "Hey, did you hear about Laertes? I heard he shaved his head, tattooed it, then went into church and snuffed out all the candle flames, scared some nuns, licked a priest, and yelled, 'I got somethin to say! It's better to burn out than to fade away!'" Then, uh, where was I? Dammit, I know I had a point . . . 

REYNALDO: Beats me, sir, but that description sounds suspiciously familiar. 

POLONIUS: Oh, I got it! So, if you say something about my son, then whoever you're talking to will say, "Yeah, and I heard Laertes also crashed onto a subway car, sneered at a little kid, beat the conductor to death, pushed the train up to ungodly speeds, killing everyone, then crashed the train through a wall and laughed at the mass destruction he caused." 

REYNALDO: Once again, sir, that sounds suspiciously familiar. 

POLONIUS: Dammit, would you quit interrupting me?! Is it any wonder I can never remember what I was saying? Now, what WAS I saying? 

REYNALDO: You were making gratuitous references to the first two "Highlander" movies. However, your point still remains a mystery to me. 

POLONIUS: Don't you see? If you make something up about my son and mention it to someone, then that someone will tell you something about Laertes that really DID happen! It LOOKS like you're talking smack on him, but you're really gathering information! It's brilliant! Brilliant, I say! 

REYNALDO: Unless that someone is also just making stuff up. You know, just to fit in? 

POLONIUS: Oh, who asked you? 

REYNALDO: But I thought - 

POLONIUS: You thought? I don't give you enough information to think! 

REYNALDO: Yes, you do. And now you're making gratuitous references to "Total Recall." 

POLONIUS: Look, I'm not much of a conversationalist, okay? If I didn't quote from movies, I really wouldn't have much of anything to say. 

REYNALDO: I'm a little confused as to what the point of this scene is, anyway. I mean, yeah, everybody's spying on everybody around here, we're all a bunch of nosy sons-of-bitches, I get that, but what the hell does any of this have to do with the main story? 

POLONIUS: I'm gonna level with you. I have no idea what the point of this scene is. I'm just trying to make the most of my scenes before Hamlet kills me in the third act. 

REYNALDO: How do you know about that? 

POLONIUS: Well, funny thing. This fortune-telling duck showed up on my doorstep this morning. 

REYNALDO: Uh, okay. I think I'll just be getting myself to Paris now, sir. {bolts for the door} 

{enter Ophelia} 

OPHELIA: Daddy, Daddy, help, Daddy, Daddy! 

POLONIUS: What the hell's the matter with you? 

OPHELIA: Hamlet just burst into my sewing-room, all rumpled and crazy-looking and foaming at the mouth - 

POLONIUS: How do people keep bursting in here? What the hell am I paying ATS Security for?! 

OPHELIA: - and unbuttoned, with his clothes falling off - 

POLONIUS: WHAT?! Did he touch you?! What did I tell you about wearing that Wonder-Bra and that perfume with the human pheromones in it? 

OPHELIA: Oh, so this is MY fault? 

POLONIUS: Well, what did he say? 

OPHELIA: He didn't say anything. He just sort of stared at me all creepy-like, then he sighed and started to leave, still staring at me. I think we were having a staring contest, cuz when he got to the door he yelled "I win!" and ran away. 

POLONIUS: Oh, great. My daughter has a royal stalker. Hmm. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Do you think he'll buy me nice stuff in an attempt to suck up? 

OPHELIA: Um, I dunno. 

POLONIUS: Yes, this might be good, marrying my daughter off to a prince. Yay, I'm gonna be a royal in-law! Yippee! C'mon, let's go tell the king! 

OPHELIA: But what if I wanna marry a cute blond stableboy named Westley? 

POLONIUS: Inconceivable! 


	7. ACT 2, SCENE 2

A/N: This is the longest chapter to date, I believe. But it's still only half the length of Shakespeare's Act 2, Scene 2, which is something like 20 pages long. (Yikes!) Anyway, it evens out in Act IV, which is mostly a lot of short (very!) scenes. Enjoy! 

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT 2, SCENE 2 

{Enter King and Queen, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern, plus some more royal groupies} 

KING: Welcome, dear Rosenstern and Guildencrantz! No, wait, I mean, Rosenguild - Guildenrose - Crantzenstern - Sternencrantz - What the hell are your names again? Rosencrantz and Guildenstern! Yes, that's it! {clears throat} Welcome! Okay, here's the deal. Hamlet's gone all screwy again, but it's different this time. I have no idea what the hell's wrong with him now, and I don't want to ask him myself because, let's face it, it didn't go so well last time. So, I was thinking, he likes you guys, right? I mean, you were all raised together and everything, so I want you two to hang out with him, maybe get him drunk and laid, whatever he wants to do, and get him to talk to you. 

QUEEN: Yes, he talks about the two of you all the time; I'm sure he likes you! If it will please you to show us so much gentry and good will as to expend your time with us awhile for the supply and profit of our hope, your visitation shall receive such thanks as fits a king's remembrance. 

ROSENCRANTZ: {scratches head} Huh? 

GUILDENSTERN: What? 

QUEEN: {sighs} If you find out what's wrong with Hamlet, we'll give you a cookie. 

GUILDENSTERN: Oh! Okay! 

ROSENCRANTZ: Oh! What kind of cookie? 

KING: Get out of here! 

ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: Yes, master. {exit} 

{enter Polonius} 

POLONIUS: The ambassadors from Norway are back, sir! 

KING: Huh? Who? 

POLONIUS: Uh, Voltemand and Cornelius? Remember, you sent them to deliver a letter to Fortinbras's old senile uncle, Norway? 

KING: Oh, right, those guys. I swear, there are so many messengers, ambassadors, servants, pages, stableboys, dancing-girls, and other assorted groupies, beggars, and hangers-on around here, I can't keep them all straight. I think I'm going to rename them all "Melvin" for the sake of simplicity. 

POLONIUS: Um, very good, sir. But in the meantime, Voltemand and Cornelius are back. Oh, and I have some good news, too! I know why Hamlet's acting so nuts! 

QUEEN: Darn, and I already promised Rosencrantz and Guildenstern cookies if they could find out. 

KING: Ooh, tell me, tell me! 

POLONIUS: No way. I'm gonna drag this out as long as possible. According to the duck, I don't have many scenes left. 

KING: Oh, fine, I'll listen to Melvin and Melvin first. Uh, where are they? 

POLONIUS: Oh! I knew I forgot something! Just a second! {exit} 

KING: Did you hear that, my little snoogie-woogie? Melvin says he knows why Melvin's acting so nuts! 

QUEEN: Don't call my son Melvin. And we both know why Hamlet's acting like this. 

KING: Is it because he wasn't breast-fed? 

QUEEN: No! 

KING: So he WAS breast-fed? 

QUEEN: What I MEANT was, the same thing that's BEEN bothering Hamlet is what's wrong with him now. He's still upset over his dad's death and our quickie marriage. 

KING: But Melvin said he had good news. And he was grinning. And wearing a shirt that said "Don't hassle me, I'm royalty." 

QUEEN: You know, this "Melvin" thing is getting real old, real fast. 

{re-enter Polonius with Voltemand and Cornelius} 

KING: Welcome, messenger boys! Corny and Voldemort - uh, Voltage - Melvin - hey, you, what news from Norway? 

VOLTEMAND: Well, it seems - 

KING: Wait. Could you start the story with "Once upon a time"? 

VOLTEMAND: Once Upon a Time in Mexico, or Once Upon a Time in America? 

CORNELIUS: How about Once Upon a Time in the West? 

VOLTEMAND: Hey, nobody was talking to you! You don't even have any lines in this scene! 

CORNELIUS: I know, and it's not fair! What am I supposed to do during this scene, stand here picking my nose and scratching myself? 

VOLTEMAND: Hey, how you want the audience to remember you is your own business. 

KING: Uh, guys? Norway? 

VOLTEMAND: Right. Okay, well, he said he had no idea what Fortinbras was up to. It seems Fortinbras told him that he was going to war against the Polack. But he looked into it and found out Fortinbras was lying, so he had a little talk with the kid, and Fortinbras promised to be a good boy and not go to war with you. So, Norway was so proud of the boy, he gave him a bunch of money to go to war against the Polack like he said he was doing in the first place. Look, he made Fortinbras sign this piece of paper, see? 

KING: {reads} "I promise to clean my room once a week, take out the trash, wash the horse and buggy, and not wage war against anyone without express written approval from Norway. Signed, Skippy Fortinbras." Well, okay then. Thanks, guys! Now away with you! {exit Cornelius and Voltemand} 

POLONIUS: Okay, enough about that. My turn to talk now! Your majesties, highness, grand high pooh-bahs, masters of the universe, my liege and madam, I won't waste time, as trying to explain time is to waste it, days and nights and minutes and seconds, days and weeks and months and years - 

QUEEN: What the hell are you talking about, you crazy old coot?! 

POLONIUS: Look, I already explained this to my houseboy. I'm just trying to make the most of my scenes while I still can. 

QUEEN: By rambling incoherently? 

POLONIUS: Any time spent on stage is good time. Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, I'll get to the point. Your son is crazy. Nuts. Mad. As I understand mad to be defined by Webster's Revised College Dictionary, Third Edition - 

QUEEN: Yeah, yeah. A little less talk and a lot more explanation, okay? I don't know why everyone around here insists on reiterating the same point over and over. Talk about beating a dead horse. I KNOW Hamlet is mad. I want to know WHY! 

POLONIUS: I was getting to that! 

QUEEN: Geez, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were stalling. Like you don't want this thing to progress to the next act or something. 

POLONIUS: Um, right. Anyway, my daughter, Ophelia, gave me this letter that Hamlet wrote to her. Let me read it to you, and then I'll give you three guesses as to what's got Hamlet all wonky in the head, okay? Here goes: {reads} "Dearest Ophelia" - huh, he spelled her name wrong - "the whole world sucks, everyone's a liar and a cheat and a thief and an adulterer and a murderer and a usurper of the crown and a bad dresser and a drunk, but given the choice of these rotten people, I love you the best! People suck and I have been thoroughly disillusioned, but I love you best. I'm not too good with the words and the art and the expressions and all that junk, but you rock! Be my Valentine, love Hamlet." So, what do you think? 

KING: Well, Hamlet's certainly no Shakespeare. 

POLONIUS: Who? 

KING: Never mind. How did your daughter respond to his love? 

POLONIUS: Well, at first she was mooning all around like a schoolgirl, then I told her Hamlet was out of her league and was just trying to get in her panties, and I didn't want her to have anything to do with him. But then Hamlet got all pouty when Ophelia wouldn't see him, and started in with the whole not eating, not sleeping thing, then got all crazy like he is now, so it must really be love, right? 

KING: Are you sure? 

POLONIUS: Listen, if I'm wrong, you can chop my head off. 

KING: Can I have that in writing? 

POLONIUS: So, I'm thinking a spring wedding would be nice. You know, maybe have it outside and release a couple hundred doves into the air . . . 

KING: We should make sure first. 

POLONIUS: Okay, how about this. We can have Ophelia ambush him on one of his walks, then we'll hide behind one of the tapestries, cuz hiding behind tapestries is ALWAYS a good idea, and spy on them and see if he really loves her. If he doesn't, you can fire me and make me a pooper-scooper in the dog park. 

KING: What happened to chopping off your head? 

POLONIUS: Um . . . 

{enter Hamlet reading "Revenge for Dummies"} 

QUEEN: Look, here he comes now, reading a book! {aside} Why does everyone around here insist on stating the obvious? And talking to themselves? And - well, dammit, now I'm doing it, too! 

POLONIUS: Okay, can I talk to him alone? Maybe I can pump him for information, you know, what with my grace and wit and subtlety. 

KING: Yeah, sure. You're the master of subtlety. {exit King and Queen and all the royal groupies} 

POLONIUS: Hey, Hamlet! How's it going? 

HAMLET: Life's a bitch and then you die. 

POLONIUS: If you say so, sir. Do you know who I am? 

HAMLET: Sure. You're the pimp who hangs out at 53rd and 3rd. 

POLONIUS: Uh, no I'm not. 

HAMLET: Are you sure? You look just like him. 

POLONIUS: Yeah, well, you know what they say. Everyone has a twin. So, uh, what're you reading? 

HAMLET: Words. Lots of words. They make up a touching story about a boy and his dog, the words. What's that word? 

POLONIUS: Uh . . . {reads} "Disembowelment." 

HAMLET: And that one? 

POLONIUS: {reads} "Dismemberment." 

HAMLET: Okay, thanks. That helps me out a lot. 

POLONIUS: Any time. Uh, I think I'll take off now. 

HAMLET: Smell ya later. 

POLONIUS: Right. Farewell. {exit} 

{enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern} 

HAMLET: Stupid old fool. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Hamlet, oh grand high one! 

GUILDENSTERN: Hamlet, bestest buddy in the world! 

HAMLET: Hi, guys! Long time no see. Who did you piss off to end up back here? 

GUILDENSTERN: What do you mean? I like it here. 

ROSENCRANTZ: I like cookies! 

HAMLET: Denmark sucks. The world sucks. The world is a prison. 

ROSENCRANTZ: We don't think so. 

HAMLET: Well, goody-goody-gumdrops for you. I do think so. It gives me bad dreams. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Hey, did you ever have the one where you go to school naked and everyone points and laughs, but you can't move and then the teacher starts poking you with a stick, and you kind of like it? Do you think that mean I'm gay? 

GUILDENSTERN: Last night I dreamed I was trapped in a boiler room or something, and there was this burned-up guy there wearing a really ugly Christmas sweater and an Indiana Jones hat, and a glove with claws on the fingers. And he kept trying to kill me, until this giant goalie showed up, and then they tried to kill each other. Do you think that means I'm gay? 

HAMLET: Uh, what did you say you're doing here again? 

ROSENCRANTZ: We're just here to visit you. Yeah, that's all. We certainly weren't sent to spy on you or anything! Nope, not at all! 

HAMLET: Uh-huh. I know the king and queen called you back here. Feel like changing your story? You're not very good liars, you know. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Why would the king and queen call us back here? 

HAMLET: You tell me. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Uh, I dunno. Cuz we can turn the world on with a smile? 

HAMLET: I'll tell you, then. The king and queen want you to spy on me and find out what's wrong with me. Just because I started wearing black and listening to the Cure and Tori Amos, they think I'm depressed and suicidal - hey, wait a minute, I AM depressed and suicidal! But I have good reason, oh yes I do! I've realized what a horrible place the world is, and how rotten people are. I don't enjoy anything anymore, not men, not women - Hey, what're you snickering at?! 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, it has to be one or the other, doesn't it? If you don't like men and you don't like women, what's left? Farm animals? 

HAMLET: That's not what I meant, you idiot! I was simply trying to illustrate that humankind is a festering, teeming disease upon the face of the earth! 

ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN: {nodding wisely} Ohhh, right. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, if that's what you think, then I guess the actors' troupe picked a really bad time to come to town. We passed them on our way in. 

HAMLET: Huh. Actors. Are they any good? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, sure, if you like the creepy, murderous, psychopathic, Ray Liotta-Michael Ironside-William Forsythe types, then yeah, they're pretty good. 

HAMLET: Creepy, murderous, and psychopathic? Hmm, that gives me an idea . . . 

{flourish} 

GUILDENSTERN: Ooh, here they come, here they come! You think I can get one of them to sign my butt? 

HAMLET: Let's go see. 

{enter Polonius} 

POLONIUS: Hi, guys! 

HAMLET: Oh, no, not him. Doddering old fool. Master of the obvious. Watch this, I bet you he came to tell me the actors are here. 

POLONIUS: Guess what? 

HAMLET: The actors are here. 

POLONIUS: The actors are here! 

HAMLET: La-di-da-di-di. 

POLONIUS: Um? 

HAMLET: Listen, I know you're supposed to have more lines here, but I don't like you, so you don't really think I'm gonna let you hog the scene, do you? After all, the play isn't called "Polonius, Minion of Denmark," now is it? 

POLONIUS: Uh, how do you know about all of that? 

HAMLET: The evil genie delivered a fortune-telling duck to you, and Cliffs Notes to me. I figure it all evens out somewhere. 

POLONIUS: If you say so. In that case, aren't you supposed to make with the crazy-talk right about now? 

HAMLET: Hello? I'm talking about genies and fortune-telling ducks. How much crazier does it have to get? 

POLONIUS: Well, I suppose each man goes insane in his own special way. 

HAMLET: Oh, fine. Have you ever tasted the color blue? I'm Peter Pan! I am Peter Pan! Wheeeeeeeee! Neverland! Bubbles! Where's Bubbles?! Ha-ha! All work and no play makes Hamlet something - something! 

POLONIUS: Go crazy? 

HAMLET: Don't mind if I do! Wheeee! Ha-ha-ha! 

{enter actors} 

HAMLET: Look, actors! Come, Polonius, let us get our asses signed! Hello, actors! Welcome, welcome! Let's have a speech! Come on, any monologue you can think of! 

ACTOR #1: Anything? Anything at all? 

HAMLET: Anything but an Elizabethan tragedy. I hate those. 

ACTOR #1: Um, okay. Oh, I've got it! Star Trek in Ten Seconds. It's sort of a troupe specialty. {clears throat} "You . . . KLINGON . . . bastard. . . you KILLED . . . my son!" "I'm givin 'er all she's got, Captain! I donna think she can take any more!" "He's dead, Jim!" "Fascinating, Captain." "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!" 

HAMLET: Wow. That was truly disturbing. 

ACTOR #1: Thank you. 

HAMLET: Polonius, take care of these guys, would you? Treat them like you would Oscar winners, huh? Actors, go with the doddering old fool! We'll have a play tomorrow! {to the first actor} Listen, I've always wanted to be a writer. You mind if I tinker around with one of your plays? Maybe add a few lines? 

ACTOR #1: Of course not, sir! {mutters} Figures. Everyone in this town fancies himself a playwright. 

HAMLET: What was that? 

ACTOR #1: Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. 

HAMLET: Good. 

{exit everyone but Hamlet} 

HAMLET: Ah, alone at last! Hmm, but what's the point of talking to myself if no one's here to see me acting crazy? Oh, well. Now I better go rewrite the play to depict the murder of my father by my uncle. Yep, I'll have the actors act it out, and if that bastard Claudius so much as blinks at it, I'll know he really is guilty, and the ghost really was my dad and not just a hallucination brought on by bad shrimp cocktail. Plus, maybe Steven Spielberg will see my play and like it, and then I can move to Hollywood and go to all the cool parties! Yay! 

A/N pt 2: I just couldn't resist working the names of a few of my favorite actors into this thing. I'm kind of pathetic that way. And I have absolutely zero impulse control, so I'll probably do it again. LOL! And I just want to clarify that when I wrote "creepy, murderous, psychopathic, Ray Liotta-Michael Ironside-William Forsythe types", I was referring to the characters they play, not the actors themselves, okay? But you guys knew that, right? Cuz you're smart and stuff. ;-)


	8. ACT 3, SCENE 1

HAMLET FOR MORONS 

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare) 

ACT 3, SCENE 1 

{enter King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and seven lords a-leaping} 

KING: So are you really telling me you have no idea what the hell's bugging Hamlet now? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, he thinks the world sucks and would be better off if a giant asteroid crashed into Buenos Aires and sent the entire planet into a nuclear winter, killing all life on Earth, but he didn't say why. 

GUILDENSTERN: Yeah, we asked and asked, but he wouldn't tell us what's really going on. It's like he thinks we're gonna run off and tell everyone or something. 

ROSENCRANTZ: Um, we are. 

GUILDENSTERN: Oh, yeah, right. 

QUEEN: Amateurs. Did you get him drunk first? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Well, we were going to, but we met some actors, and Hamlet got all star-struck and started mooning after them and completely ignoring us. Anyway, Hamlet hired the actors to play here tonight. 

POLONIUS: Oh, that's right! He wanted me to make sure your majesties come to the play. He said it's a special play and you absolutely have to see it. See? He made me tie this ribbon around my neck so I wouldn't forget to tell you! 

ROSENCRANTZ: Um, that's not a ribbon. 

GUILDENSTERN: It's a noose. 

ROSENCRANTZ: And I don't think it had anything to do with the play. 

POLONIUS: Really? 

KING: Oh, who the hell cares? Hamlet's interested in something! That's great. Maybe it'll keep him off my case. Go help him stalk the actors, or get his ass signed, or whatever it is that crazy obsessed fans do these days, okay? 

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay, but when the restraining orders come out, don't blame me. {exit with Guildenstern} 

KING: Okay, my little honey-muffin, you leave us alone, too. Me and Polonius are gonna hide and spy while Ophelia teases Hamlet. That way we can see if it's really love that's making him all wacky in the head. 

QUEEN: Sure, fine. For your sake, Ophelia, I hope it really is you that's driving him crazy. Then maybe you could figure out a way to drive him sane again. Plus, the two of you would have really cute kids. 

OPHELIA: Thanks. I hope it's me, too. After all, it's so nice to finally meet someone who's even crazier than me. We could sit in our padded cells and weave baskets until it's time for the nice doctors to put us back into the pretty white jackets that make us hug ourselves. 

QUEEN: Um, right. See ya later. {exits} 

POLONIUS: Okay, now we men will hide, and you stand here and wait for Hamlet, Ophelia. Here, read this book and try to look sad and lonely, okay? Good, good! Very pitiful. Come on, sir, let's hide! Here he comes! {they hide} 

{Enter Hamlet} 

HAMLET: To be, or not to be - that is the question! Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by suffering - no, wait, by opposing - oh, dammit, I always forget this part! {pulls out the Cliffs Notes version of "Hamlet"} Let's see, where are we here? Outrageous fortune, slings and arrows, sea of troubles, okay. Hmm, to die, to sleep, perchance to dream, what dreams may come, shuffle off the mortal coil, the undiscovered country, thus conscience does make cowards of us all. Huh, I thought it was cowardice that makes cowards of us all. Oh, well, you learn something new every day. Hey, Ophelia! Why are you lurking here in the dark? 

OPHELIA: I dunno. Why are you walking around muttering movie titles? 

HAMLET: Movie titles? Oh, yeah, like it's MY fault every filmmaker in Hollywood feels the need to 'borrow' a line of this play to use as a title? 

OPHELIA: Uh . . . 

HAMLET: What are you doing here? 

OPHELIA: You gave me some stuff I wanna give back to you. I thought now was as good a time as any. 

HAMLET: Nope, I never gave you nothing. 

OPHELIA: Yes you did. 

HAMLET: Did not. 

OPHELIA: What about the pink stuffed elephant you won at the county fair? 

HAMLET: Nope. 

OPHELIA: What about the mix tape you made me? The one with all the songs about liking big butts? 

HAMLET: Sorry, doesn't ring a bell. 

OPHELIA: What about the T-shirt that says, "My boyfriend is a prince and all he gave me was this lousy T-shirt"? 

HAMLET: Come to think of it, I did used to love you. 

OPHELIA: I sure thought so. 

HAMLET: You shouldn't have. I didn't love you. 

OPHELIA: Make up your mind! Do you have any idea how frustrating this is for me? I don't know whether to hug you, hit you, lose my mind, kill myself, or what! I mean, a little mystery is one thing, but this I love you, I love you not bullshit really gets on a girl's nerves! You think you can keep jerking me around just cuz you're royalty? Grow up! 

HAMLET: Uh, I don't think that was your line. Are you PMSing or something? 

OPHELIA: Oh, shut up. 

HAMLET: Right. Uh, moving along, get yourself to a nunnery or something to that effect. Um, don't have children, cuz the world is filled with the teeming, festering disease of humanity already. People suck. Especially men. We're all a bunch of liars and cheaters and killers. Stay away from us. Go be a nun, or a lesbian or some damn thing, I don't know. If you get married I hope you're frigid and marry a fool. I hear the village idiot is sniffing around. Then again, there should be no more marriage. Hell, I hate this part. How about we just pretend I stuck around for a while, rambling on about similar such things, okay? I'm gonna go watch the Simpsons. {exit} 

OPHELIA: Uh, he's gone. You can come out now. 

POLONIUS: You'll never find me! I hid good! 

KING: No you didn't. You're just standing facing the corner. 

POLONIUS: If I can't see you, you can't see me. 

KING: Is that the same logic that got you shot in the ass during the last war? 

POLONIUS: Um . . . 

OPHELIA: Hello? Have you forgotten why we're all here? Me and Hamlet, remember? 

KING: I'd say there is no you and Hamlet. He doesn't love you. He didn't sound particularly crazy, either. 

OPHELIA: He didn't? Were you listening to us at all? 

KING: No, no, that's NORMAL, for Hamlet, anyway. Hmm. I think I better send him to England. Get him out of my way for a while. Maybe longer than a while. Heh-heh-heh. 

POLONIUS: Um, yeah. Okay. But I still think he's pining after my daughter. Tell you what. Have his mother talk to him. If he won't tell her what's on his mind, then send him to England. I'll even spy on his little talk with his mommy, okay? I'll hide good this time. 

KING: Okay. But no more of this "If I can't see them, they can't see me" crap, okay? 

POLONIUS: No, no. I'll hide behind the tapestries. 

KING: Sounds good. Nothing bad ever happened to anyone hiding behind a tapestry.   
  



	9. ACT 3, SCENE 2

HAMLET FOR MORONS

(The Complete Dumbass's Guide to Shakespeare)

ACT 3, SCENE 2

Enter Hamlet with three of the actors. Let's call them Larry, Moe, and Curly, just for the hell of it.

HAMLET: Okay, now, no forgetting your lines, understand? And no over-acting! I hate that! Where everything comes out as an exclamation! It's so annoying! No flinging your arms all around, like this!

LARRY: Ow! My eye!

HAMLET: Oops. Oh, well, put some ice on that, it'll be fine.

LARRY: Oh, God, I'm blind!

HAMLET: Erm. Anyway, as I was saying, no over-the-top antics or melodrama, all right?

LARRY: You poked out my eye, you bastard! My beautiful eye! begins stumbling around, flailing his arms. Unwittingly stumbles face-first into a pillar and flops to the ground.

HAMLET: to Moe and Curly You see what this guy's doing here? I don't want any of that.

MOE: Don't poke our eyes out and you've got yourself a deal.

HAMLET: Okay, now, I also don't want anyone under-acting. You have to be perfect.

CURLY: Well, you're not asking much, are you?

HAMLET: And stick to the script. No ad-libbing. Tell your whole troupe; I don't want any of your extras taking it upon himself to act as comic relief! There is no comic relief! This is serious work!

MOE: Not that you're a control freak or anything.

LARRY: I can't see! I can't see!

CURLY: Open your eyes, you imbecile.

LARRY: blinks It's a miracle! Look at all the colors! Oh, green, how I missed you! The birds and trees are so lovely to one whose sight has newly been restored! runs off and hugs a tree.

HAMLET: I want that guy fired.

MOE: No problem, my lord.

HAMLET: Good. Now go get ready for the play.

MOE: Yes, sir.

Moe and Curly manage to pry Larry off the tree, then exit.

Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern

HAMLET: Yo, Polonius, did you talk the king into watching my play? Did'ja, did'ja, did'ja, huh, huh, huh?

POLONIUS: Yup. And the queen, too. I asked them just like you told me. See, I did good!

HAMLET: Okay. Go tell the actors to hurry up. exit Polonius Um, maybe you two should go help him. You know, seeing as how I didn't write it down for him, he'll probably forget.

ROSENCRANTZ: Okay! Bye-bye!

GUILDENSTERN: So, what exactly was the point of our appearance here?

ROSENCRANTZ: Who cares? We get to go help on a very important errand!

exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

HAMLET: Ho, Horatio!

enter Horatio

HORATIO: Did you just call me a ho!

HAMLET: No, I - oh, never mind.

HORATIO: Because I'm not a ho! I didn't want to do all those dirty things with the serving wench, she made me do them! I didn't enjoy any of it! Well, okay, the thing she did with the feather-duster was kinda fun . . .

HAMLET: It was just an expression of greeting, Horatio.

HORATIO: Oh. Well, okay then. Carry on.

HAMLET: Thank you. I was going to go on and on about what a good friend you are and how much I admire you, but you're being such a dumbass right now, I don't think I wanna anymore. So, look, I changed the actors' play a little, wrote in some stuff about my dad's murder, and when it gets to that scene, I want you to watch my uncle and see if he flinches or blushes or throws up or anything, okay? I'll watch him too, and then later we'll compare notes and see if we agree on the meaning of his reaction, if there is any. If there's not, then I guess the ghost we saw was just jerking my chain.

HORATIO: What, an evil ghost? Nah. Ghosts are good. They tell you where gold is if you find the end of the rainbow.

HAMLET: Uh, no, that would be a leprechaun. And they don't tell you because they want to, they tell you because they're obligated to. They actually resent giving up their pot of gold.

HORATIO: How do you know?

HAMLET: Remember that guy who passed through town a while back? Rich One-Arm Eddie?

HORATIO: Yeah?

HAMLET: Well, how do you think he lost his arm?

HORATIO: Oh.

HAMLET: Yeah.

HORATIO: Um, okay, anyway, I'll keep an eye on your uncle during the play.

enter trumpets and other loud, noisy things, along with the King and Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, and other royal-type people, who the hell can keep them all straight?

HAMLET: Okay, here they come. Time for me to play crazy again. Grab a seat.

KING: Hey, how's it goin' there, Hamlet?

HAMLET: I am the very model of a modern major general.

KING: Um?

HAMLET: I'm my own grandpa.

KING: You know, just because you're stringing different words together doesn't mean you're forming coherent sentences.

HAMLET: What are you rambling on about now? to Polonius Hey, didn't you tell me you used to be an actor?

POLONIUS: Yup. I played Riff Raff in a dinner-theater production of Rocky Horror.

HAMLET: I'm seeing you in a whole new light. Are the actors ready?

ROSENCRANTZ: They're waiting for you to shut the hell up so they can start. Sir.

QUEEN: Come sit by me, son.

HAMLET: Nope, I'd rather sit by the cute young girl than you, mom.

POLONIUS: to King Ha! See? Hamlet loves Ophelia! Hamlet loves Ophelia!

HAMLET: to Ophelia Hi! Can I sit on your lap?

OPHELIA: Um . . .

HAMLET: I'll let you rub my tummy.

OPHELIA: Uh . . .

HAMLET: You don't think I mean something dirty, do you?

OPHELIA: I think nothing.

HAMLET: Yeah, I believe it.

OPHELIA: Believe what?

HAMLET: That you think nothing.

OPHELIA: That I think nothing of what?

HAMLET: Exactly.

OPHELIA: You're in a good mood.

HAMLET: Why shouldn't I be? My mom is, and my dad's only been dead, what, like, two hours?

OPHELIA: Two months.

HAMLET: Wow, and we still haven't forgotten him? Damn, we're good. I guess adding gingko biloba to the village water supply paid off after all.

trumpets sound and the play starts. King and Queen actors come on stage acting all lovey-dovey, then the queen leaves, the king goes to sleep, and a creepy, skulking scum-bag walks up to the king, takes his crown and dances around with it, then dumps poison in the king's ears. Just to make sure the audience knows it's poison, the scum-bag holds up the bottle, points to the skull and crossbones, then grins, twitches his eyebrows, and nods. Then he sticks his tongue out at the dead king and does an exaggerated tip-toe off stage. The queen comes back and finds the king, runs away screaming, then comes back with the scum-bag and some other non-important royal-types. The scum-bag gets down on one knee and proposes to the queen, who turns away, turns back, turns away, then turns back again and accepts the proposal. The scum-bag rubs his hands together in an evil cartoon-villain sort of way, then the actors all exit the scene.

OPHELIA: Uh, okay, what was that all about?

HAMLET: What are you, blond?

OPHELIA: Duh.

enter Prologue

HAMLET: This dude here should explain everything. Even to the blonds.

PROLOGUE: Fee, fi, fo, fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman! Hee-hee-hee-hee! exits

OPHELIA: Well, that was very enlightening.

HAMLET: He is SO blacklisted.

enter the actor King and actor Queen

ACTOR KING: It's been a whole month since we were married! And I'm still getting laid every night!

ACTOR QUEEN: We'll be together forever! I love you so much! But it seems like you feel bad about something, so I'm afraid. But I love you, so I'm happy! I'll ignore the fear cuz I'm happy!

OPHELIA: Who wrote this crap?

HAMLET: Hey, it's still better than daytime TV, so back off.

ACTOR KING: I have to go do some, like, kingly stuff now, so I'll just be leaving you for a while -

ACTOR QUEEN: Wait, I can't love you! That's disloyal to my dead husband's memory! I don't love you! I don't, I don't! This was a marriage of convenience, yeah, that's it!

HAMLET: Damn straight.

ACTOR KING: Uh, does that mean I'm not gonna get laid anymore?

ACTOR QUEEN: Damn straight.

ACTOR KING: Aw, c'mon, I love ya, baby.

ACTOR QUEEN: No.

ACTOR KING: Oh, fine. I'll be in the royal privy. Where did you put the Victoria's Secret catalogue?

actors exit

HAMLET: So, what did you think?

QUEEN: Oh, I think she'll do him again.

HAMLET: Hmm, not exactly the answer I was looking for. And what did you think, oh King?

KING: I think . . . I think . . . I think I'm going to be sick. Excuse me. Can we get some lights on in here! You actors up there, shut the hell up! Move, move, all of you! King runs from the play, and everyone but Hamlet and Horatio follow.

HORATIO: Gee, I know the play was bad, but actually bad enough to make him sick?

HAMLET: glares at Horatio

HORATIO: Oh. Right.

HAMLET: So, I'd say he's guilty, how about you?

HORATIO: Uh, yeah, I'd say so. Told ya ghosts are good.

HAMLET: The ghost was right! Ghosts are smart!

enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern

ROSENCRANTZ: The king is sick as a dog. Puking his guts out.

HAMLET: And this is my problem how?

ROSENCRANTZ: I dunno, but your mother wants to talk to you.

HORATIO: Ooooh, you're in trouble . . .

HAMLET: Okay. Good. Clear the air. That's a good thing.

enter Polonius

POLONIUS: Your mother wants to talk to you!

HAMLET: Yup, a day late and a dollar short, that's what I always say. Don't ever change, Polly.

POLONIUS: Um, I'll tell her you're on your way. exit

HAMLET: Okay, everyone, go away. I feel like talking to myself again. exit all but Hamlet turns to the audience I'm not really talking to myself, you know. This is all for your benefit. This is the part where I'm supposed to let you know that I'm going to go lay into my mother, but I won't hurt her. I say some stuff about drinking hot blood and more stuff about Nero, but if y'all wanted to read all that crap, you'd be reading the original 'Hamlet' and not some hack fanfic writer's parodied version, right? Right. Okay, then. See ya in the next scene.


End file.
